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Weapon Tales
330
Image from FantatsyFic Youtube
Season 1, Episode 2
Vital statistics
Air date 09/02/2013
Written by Josh Henderson and Dom Moschitti
Directed by Josh Henderson and Dom Moschitti
Episode guide
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Episode 1 Episode 3: Keep on Wizarding

This is the second episode of the series. It contains two stories about Item Origins.

Time of episode: 28:02

Josh's Story: The Dracula Tooth Ma$e of Bloodletting Edit

The history of the Dracula Tooth Ma$e of Bloodletting is as shrouded in mystery as it shrouded in some really cool magical shroud. Think of, kind of like, the one from Harry Potter but full of cool blood and parts of dead skeletons. Also, it has to be shrouded because if anyone looks directly at it, it causes explosive blood diarrhea.

Nobody knows who forged this most epic of weapons but the texts do say how it was forged. Written in a long forgotten language of Cuneiform in the shape of hot dudes boning. The instructions were not only difficult to read but erotically informative. Magical archaeologists still study and jerk off to them to this day.

The spikes of the mace are from the teeth of a 1000 draculas that the mace's original craftsman had won in a kissing competition against the draculas. Since the only way to obtain the teeth of a dracula is to kiss them from out of their mouths; As we all know.

Also the only thing harder than dracula teeth are dracula tits but nobody wants to hold a soggy ass titty mace. All draculas lactate.

The steel that makes up the rod and ball part of the mace was alchemically recycled from the swords of the twelve most powerful Viking warriors who had fallen in battle. The swords are said to possess the power of all their ancestors combined as well as giving the wielder an erection lasting the ages.

The twelve Viking warriors were also half brothers. Their father was the ancient Norse god of getting hoes pregnant as fuck.

Their mother was a massive whore.

Nobody knows how the viking brothers died but it was probably from the hepc contracted from their whore mother.

The wooden handle of the mace was constructed from the broom handle of the most evil witch of the land. Her name was Dildoa and was rumored to have seven double F breasts that could kill you in seven different ways; Two of them being "getting blowied to death".

She was later put to death by the Church of Magic Day Saints on the charges of witchcraft, larceny, and anal blasphemy. (You are so evil that your butt hole is worse than your mouth) So the handle was marinated in the witch's queef box for an age.

The Mace's Special Powers

The mace its self only has one true ability: To suck the life force from the wielder's enemies. Once impacted by the mace the dracula tooth spikes suck all plasma and mana from the victim, taking only useful and beneficial fluids like blood, blood plasma, mead, and jizz.

Once left drained the victim evacuates their bowels at the speed of sound causing a thunder-crack that can be heard for miles. Technically it's not a fart because the mace also eats farts too.

Famous Battles

It is said that at the Battle of the Bog the Dracula Tooth Ma$e of Bloodletting killed over 10,000 bog slaves single-handedly wining the second World War.

Prior to that the mace was wielded by a dark knight from New Jersey who used it for his nefarious needs. It is said to this day that is why New Jersey is a cursed earth and why the entire state smells like a dookie queefed out of a dead raccoon's fart.

THE END

Questions

  1. Q. Is the dracula mace the responsible for the filthy Jersey Shore? Was the shore once a pure body of water that the dracula mace cause all of the dead bodies?

A. Probably. I would like to think that the mace draws all of the shittyness, like, it sucks all of the good out of the people,

  1. Q. So it absorbs all of that stuff. Does it smell really bad?

A. Probably not? I would like to think that everything else around it smells pretty bad. Kind of like the Jersey Shore. It takes the worst out of people and leaves the shitty part.

  1. Q. Where is the last rumored location of the mace?

A. Good question. It's probably in New Jersey but no one wants to go look for it because it's New Jersey.

Dom's Story: Durgrel, The Wicked Badass Cleaver of Body-Chopping Edit

Orc-king Shurkel was the king of the Western orcs of Orcspire and nobody fucking orc'd with him. His skin was dark blue, he stood one or two feet taller than other orcs. From time to time he donned war-braids with real skulls in them and he was so cut it looked like his whole body was a rock hard boner all the time.

When king Shurkel gave orders on the battlefield he would do so with a booming guttural yell. This paired with dozens of war drums made for an effected rallying cry and the birth of Death Metal (which made sense because so many people were dying during it). It also helped that some of the orcs axes were electric guitars and they shredded hard when they got multi-kills. If you heard an orc doing a sick ass solo that meant he just upchopped a guys own dick into his mouth and he choked on it and died.

Shurkel's legend was spreading through the world but there was one glaring missing component: a weapon. Every legend comes with a mighty weapon with which to conquer, but all Shurkel had was a regular-ass long sword that had Daken carved into the hilt. He acquired the weapon long ago from a wizard who was having a yard sale. The wizard had purchased the blade just to mess around with. He was going to take some lessons but they seemed too expensive so he tried to self teach. But he realized he didn't have the time for it on top of being a wizard and starting tht science fiction book club that was finally coming together. So he traded it to Shurkel for a few pieces of gold and some erotic orc drawings that Shurkel was well known for at the time.

Man, if you could see some of these drawings. Phew! Few words say it all: Ass-cleavage. Ok, a couple more words say it. Shurkel worked for these wizards who ran a company called "Wheel-waggin Tea-baggin". They rode around trying to pick up chicks and promised them gold to do sex to their friend while a scribe wrote down every nasty thing that happened and Shurkel would try to illustrate it. Because that's how porn works in Orcspire.

Then before they would pay the girl they would be like "Oh dang, there some rare berries over there. Would you grab me some?" and the girl would be like "Ok, sure." and they would try to drive away without paying her. But they were just in a wagon so the girl would usually catch up and they would have to pay her. So it wasn't as profitable as anybody wanted it. So they shut it down after a couple of days because a couple of wizards were sexecuted.

Anyways. Shurkel had decided that the time had come for a weapon to be forged just for him. He ordered his troops to dig to Hell for that is where the weapon shall be crafted. However, after a few hours of digging the orcs discovered Atheism and adapted it widely.

They decided that the weapon would be forged in the forge. It made sense and saved everyone a lot of time.

Just as they were about to get started Shurkel's finest warrior, Durgrel, stepped forward and said:

"Melt my bones down and make me part of the weapon so that I will be forever with Shurkel!"

King Shurkel didn't like this because Durgrel was his best guy and the blacksmiths were like:

"Wtf what is this guy talking about? You can't do that."

But before anyone could say anything Durgrel yelled:

"Dio Black Sabbath was better than Ozzy Black Sabbath. Controversial I know, but that's just my preference. Goodbye!" as he jumped into the forge.

Shurkel was bummed but then he remembered that he didn't even specify what kind weapon he wanted. So he stood up and yelled:

"Forge me 'Durgrel, The Wicked Badass Cleaver of Body-chopping'". Then sat back down and immediately fell to sleep because it had been quite the afternoon.

The blacksmiths worked for days fine crafting Durgrel making sure that the blade's edge was strong enough to chop through six bodies at a time. Soon the cleaver was finished. The blade itself had a sick black swirl effect on the edge that made it look like smoke and if you look closely you could see ghost skulls in it. This was said to be Durgrel's soul. If you believe in souls. Remember, the orcs were now Atheists.

The cleaver was topped with Durgrel's skull, which evidently did not melt down or turn to ash. It was a pristine white work-skull ready to be decorated with the blood of enemies. All the blacksmiths agreed that this made the cleaver "badass" as requested by Shurkel.

Shurkel was presented with the cleaver before his next battle. He looked it over a few times; it was better then he expected. Atop his worg he lifted the cleaver above his head and shouted:

"Fuck yea dudes, good job!" and he rode into war.

Cleaver in hand Shurkel chopped his way through the army. Six by Six. As his enemies fell the cleaver seemed to absorb their energies, or souls. Whatever. This energy transferred into Shurkel's veins which made his hole body hard like a giant boner and he was unstoppable. So yea, I guess you could say he kind of fucked shit up.

When the battle was over and the ground was soaked in blood Shurkel turned to his army and shouted:

"Does anyone remember what this war was about?!" and no one could answer. Kind of makes you think, huh?

It was kind of like the Orc of Vietnam.

THE END.

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